I didn’t realize it had been so long since my last update. Between dealing with a never-ending stream of bullshit at work and being sucked into World of Warcraft in my off-time, I guess I haven’t had the energy to dredge up much interest in anything else for awhile.  However, all that has recently changed, as I have recently become unemployed.  The Hags in HR have finally trumped up a reason to get rid of me (totally pretextual, as they both are fully aware – did I call it last year or what?), so now I have plenty of fodder for my blog. I figured as part of my therapy, I’d start writing about some of the various shenanigans that have been going on there over the years of my indentured servitude.

The characters I’ll be talking about most are:

Jefe – My main boss man, whom I’ve mentioned before.  Probably the best boss on the planet for someone like me. I don’t deal well with fools, and Jefe definitely is not a fool. Brilliant legal mind, treats people well, listens to opposing arguments/ideas, and has a very boisterous laugh. Unfortunately (but not surprisingly), never gets the respect he deserves, and has earned, since he joined the firm.  We worked very well together and, God willing, will do so again someday (under different circumstances).

The Hun – This is the “large and in charge” person in our HR department. Very big on nepotism.  Most of what is currently wrong with the firm falls on her shoulders, as she has pretty much single-handedly turned it from a decent workplace with a few issues, to a place where overall morale is in the toilet and many of the staff hate working there now.  The office manager I mentioned in earlier posts? Yeah, friend of hers that she hired. Go figure.

Vampira – The other HR person, the one most involved in day-to-day relations with the peons.  The kind of person that smiles sweetly to your face and nods when you express your concerns or problems with something, then stabs you in the neck with a sharpened fingernail to suck the life out of you as soon as you turn your back to her. Encourages staff to spy on each other like leeches and report the smallest things to her so she can slowly slice people’s arteries open and let any morale they might have had drain from their now-zombie selves.

I’m sure there will be others I’ll be talking about, such as my former female boss, The Shrew. You’ll get to know her well, I’m sure.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a few nice people working there as well, and I’ll talk about them some, but the bad overwhelmingly outweighed the good at that place.  Sad, isn’t it?

In keeping up with my blog.  Well, I did say back in the beginning that I didn’t promise to update daily. Since I got my new laptop, I’ve once again become totally immersed in World of Warcraft and have been spending all of my spare time playing, having a blast.  Its been so long since I really enjoyed playing it that it almost feels like a completely new game. I can hardly wait for the latest expansion to come out.

Another reason I haven’t posted much lately is that I promised myself to try and not be as negative as I have been in the past about my workplace, but it gets harder every day.  Cutting costs is one thing but cutting them to the staff’s detriment only to waste even more somewhere else is ridiculous in oh so many ways – the cost in morale alone isn’t worth it.  Anyway, its been a real struggle lately not to constantly bitch and moan, so I figured it was better to just stay quiet.

What got me on the warpath today, however, wasn’t something at my office.  It was another blog.  Abovethelaw.com has a regular feature in which they discuss various perks that various firms offer the attorneys.  The latest discussion is the perk of having a secretary. Some of the readers have asked for advice on what to do with their secretaries and that, of course, has led to some pretty stupid posts by some real idiots.  Most of the time, when I read ATL, I wonder what kind of losers many of the commenters are, with their retarded “First!” posts and idiotic comments.  And today’s post is no different.  Which of the following would you consider that of a decent human being and which is the comment of a complete asshat?

It is really quite simple, to make the best use of your secretary 1) make sure she is hot, and 2) have sex with her 3x per week.

or 

Making proper use of the secretary is what separates those who need 55 hours to bill 40 in a week and those who need far less.

My guess is the only way the first poster is ever going to have sex, much less having it 3x per week, is to pay someone for it.  Unfortunately, its jags like that who make working many places unbearable – not just law firms.

For those of you who are truly wondering how to make the best use of your secretary, here are some of the things I do for my bosses (of which I have three – two shareholders and a baby) – most without being instructed:  Open and sort mail, scan and save everything coming in or going out, calendar hearing dates, response due dates, etc., type dictation, draft letters, draft pleadings, do research, keep the attorneys informed about any news or cases that relate in any way to what they do, contact the court for hearing dates or other information, client contact, co-counsel and opposing counsel contact, make travel arrangements, make sure they have any supplies they might need, and various and sundry other acts. 

One thing my main boss finds most vital is that I know all of the federal and local rules for filings – everything from proper formatting rules to appellate brief cover colors to page limits.  Whenever he (or many of our other attorneys) needs to know the rule for something, he calls me and I can inform him instantly.  Yes, its ultimately his responsibility to make sure this information is correct but over the past few years, he’s learned that I know what I’m doing and it helps him not to have to worry about mundane details and he can work on drafting a great brief instead.

For an idea of what not to do with your secretary (aside from the obvious), number 2 in my book is do NOT give me your crap jobs to do. If you can’t figure out how to print your own documents, learn.  Don’t ask me to fetch something for you to drink or eat, either.  Don’t type up your own badly-written, almost incoherent letter, print it on letterhead and give it to me to make copies and mail out if it has my initials as the typist, because I’ll redo it WITH your mistakes and WITHOUT my initials for you to re-sign. 

Number 1 would have to be do NOT treat me like an idiot or a piece of furniture.  I have a name, I’m just as good at my job as you are at yours (and in many cases I’m better at it than you are), so I deserve the same amount of respect you would show to your contemporaries.  I work FOR you, not BENEATH you, so don’t treat me like I’m dirt under your feet.  When you bring someone around the office, if you are introducing them to the other attorneys, introduce them to the secretaries, too.  Especially if they are a client, as we are probably going to have to have a good bit of contact with them as well.  If you’re having a bad day, you do not get to take it out on us. We are here to assist you, not to be your punching bag or doormat.  All we ask is to be treated with the same amount of respect and consideration that you expect from us.

I’m back!  I finally got my new laptop yesterday and I can’t tell you how happy I am about it.  Yes, I know I’m a geek.  Deal with it.

One of our upper echelon attorneys recently went on a business trip.  She’s someone that comes off as being very serious and stern but as you can see, she has quite a sense of humor.  This is a report on her recent adventure (identifying information changed to protect my ass):

I thought I would share with you my day today.

In an effort to maximize my family time and save my client some money (I hope you are smiling [client]), I decided to make my mediation in Missouri a day trip.  I woke up this morning at 3:45 a.m., left the house at 4:15, parked my car in “my spot” at the airport parking lot and caught my 5:40 flight without a hitch.  The flight was a pleasant one.  I watched the sunrise over Illinois and we were ten minutes ahead of schedule, not that it mattered since I was early for the mediation anyway.  I stopped at a store at the airport and bought a granola bar “in case of emergencies.”

I arrived at the mediation site without any difficulty and started wandering the streets of St. Louis looking for a coffee shop.  While I seem to be tripping over a Starbucks no matter where I go, there was none to be located.  I ended up eating a way overpriced breakfast buffet (yuck) at a beyond crappy hotel.

I spent the day making what I considered little progress at the mediation but my client was happy at what we had accomplished (thanks for the optimism [client]).  Ultimately, discussions broke down and I headed to the airport.  I got to the airport early so I had a soda at a restaurant near the gate.  It was too early for dinner. When I looked up, I saw a line of 15 people trying to get a seat at the restaurant.  Since my plane was boarding in a few minutes, I left to let someone else sit down.  When I arrived at my gate, the board indicated the plane was delayed from 5:40 to 6:10.  I asked the oh so helpful attendant why the plane was delayed and  whether it was, in fact, on its way.  The response was “I don’t know” to both   Gee thanks.  I am now regretting giving up my seat at the restaurant.  As I wander the concourse aimlessly to pass the time, I pass a pizza joint, a pretzel place, a Starbucks (of course) and a dozen other fattening food places.  I resist.  Besides, I should be home by 7:30 and could have a healthy meal at home. 

The board now says the plane will depart at 6:20  (yeah right).  The plane finally arrives at 6:25.  After they deplane the inbound passengers and clean (I use that word loosely) the plane, they board our plane at the same time and at the same gate as the Nashville flight (as I walk down the corridor to the plane all I can think is “please don’t let me get on the Nashville flight, please don’t let me get on the Nashville flight”).  I find my seat and the flight attendant announces that this is indeed the flight to [home city] (yippee).

The flight to [home city] was uneventful until we hit the state line.  The captain advises us that there is fog in [home city] and we “might” be in a holding pattern for a “bit.”  Once we get to [home city], the captain advises that there is low fog in [home city] and we can’t — under FAA regulations — land in these conditions.  I ask to see the regulations.  Don’t these planes fly by themselves anyway???  What is a little fog???  The captain further advises us that we have one hour’s worth of fuel and then after that we will either go to [city 2 hours south of home city] or [city 2 hours west of home city].  Great.  While I love both cities, I really do not want to visit either one tonight.  As we circle [home city], I have only one thought, “where is that beverage cart when I really need it?”  I eat my granola bar because it really is an emergency

The captain just got on the speaker to tell us that the fog is clearing and that we are going to give landing a “try.”  I have been ask to discontinue use of all portable devices such as laptops so I am powering down

False alarm.  For some reason, there is confusion as to whether there is or is not fog in [home city].  We are back in a holding pattern.  At least I had an opportunity to read the in-flight magazine (I always wanted to know about baggage regulations) and the Sky Mall which was really great because I know now from where I can purchase my very own branding iron for my steaks (wait, I don’t really eat much steak) and I can now buy that $110 water fountain I always wanted for my cat (wait, I don’t own a cat

Hello captain.  You told us we only had an hour’s worth of fuel before we decide whether we will land in [home city] or head to a different airport.  We have now been circling for more than 70 minutes (I bill by the hour, I know these things).  Which is it going to be?  Land in [home city] or travel either West or South and, by the way, what is wrong with the [closer, smaller] airport anyway?

Fabulous.  We have been told we are traveling West.  Ten minutes from [city 2 hours west], we are told that they really don’t have plans for us yet so “instead of letting us wander around the airport,” they are going to have us stay on the plane.  Trust me, the [city 2 hours west] airport is not that big.  We will be fine.  Please let us off this overheated plane

*****

After landing, we are told they are going to ship us to [home city] by bus.  Bus!!!  I haven’t taken the bus from [home city] since I was 15 years old and rode the [Greyhound] bus.

I power up my cell phone and get a message from [husband] telling me I have to remember to turn on the ringer on my phone because he tried to call me but I didn’t answer.  Excuse me, of course I did not answer, I have been held hostage on a plane for the last 3 hours.  Oh by the way, since he is coming back from [client's] house in [town close to city to the west] could he possibly come and pick me up?

The rest of my traveling companions are being told that a bus will be arriving “shortly” to take them to [home city].  Oh sure, don’t bother rushing. It will be awhile since all the other planes that decided to come to [city to the west] instead of circling [home city] for 70 minutes have taken all the buses.  I am now sitting in the only open restaurant eating a really bad dinner.  Tomorrow I must eat vegetables.

[Husband] called.  He is minutes away from the airport and the bus still has not arrived for the other passengers.   My guess is that we could turn this into a “profit center” if we wanted to take a few of these wayward souls with us to [home city].  Nah, I rather just spend the time alone with my husband.

P.S. [client], I am billing you for all of this. .

******

P.S.S It is now Friday morning and I am in the office.  My battery died as this email was going through spell-check (that was par for the course).  The way this story ends is that [husband] picked me up just as the bus was arriving.  We had to drive all the way to the [home city] airport to pick up my car and by the time I got through the fog and got home it was 12:30 a.m.

P.S.S.S. To [client]: don’t worry, I am not really billing you for all of this.

Happy Travels,

I’m constantly checking the status of my new Dell laptop and its still “In Production.”  For crying out loud, how long does it take you people to put together a standard laptop with parts you should have in stock?? 

MBH has gone to Minnesota for business.  I guess 9/11 is probably one of the safest days to fly now.  He’ll be gone until late Thursday night, so its up to me to try and take care of the house and kids, not something I’m used to doing.  He’s definitely a better mom than I am.

I remember sitting on the sofa, watching TV the morning of 9/11 and watching the second plane hit.  It felt more surreal than horrible at that point.  I didn’t really start crying and feeling the horror of the situation until the towers collapsed and we started seeing people jumping out of the buildings.  I don’t know how anyone can have seen that and still think the war on terror is a mistake.  How is it possible to forget that?  The images are something that I doubt I’ll ever forget.  My thoughts to those who have died and those who are left behind both during the 9/11 attacks and in the war that has followed. 

Many thanks to everyone for their congratulations on me getting my paralegal certificate.  I did get it at graduation yesterday, and my back, while not tip-top yet, is better.  No idea what my grades were but I don’t really care, as long as i got the certificate.   One of my wonderful coworkers bought me some beautiful flowers today, which got me a lot of attention and congratulations from people.  It was kinda weird, I’m not used to getting positive attention. 

Just goes to show, there are some really kind people in the legal world.  And also who read boring blogs.

My laptop just died.  *sigh*  I’m the kind of person who always has to be connected somehow.  I’m just not happy if I’m not.  I’m also quite the newshound and spend hours scouring various news sites, both well-known and obscure.  My primary tool for this is my laptop, which isn’t even 2 years old yet.  I have it set up on an Air Desk(probably one of the greatest inventions ever,  next to the sofa, where I can surf, watch tv and cuddle with my dog at the same time.  And as I’ve stated in earlier posts, I’m a big gamer, spending lots of time playing games such as World of Warcraft with friends and family.  So I’m totally dependent on my laptop.

It seems, however, that it has a problem with overheating. The overheating has caused the battery to deteriorate and fail, causing even more heat.  The heat has been so bad that I have to keep a rubber-backed coaster under my palm all the time or it will burn me.  But lately its gotten to the point where it won’t even boot up before getting the dreaded BSOD (blue screen of death to you unwashed masses).  So its now unusable.

So now I’ve ordered a new one from Dell.  Not one of the top-of-the-line 20 inch screen XPS gaming laptops that I so dearly crave, but a less expensive one – the Latitude 1720.  I’ve put it on my Dell account, which charges somewhere around 2000% interest per month, but MBH is going to pay it off when he gets his bonus at the end of September.  Isn’t he wonderful?

So in 3-5 days, allegedly, I’ll have my new laptop.  The worst part, though, is that all of my favorites and stuff are on the old laptop that I can’t access.  I think MBH did a backup not too long ago right before it started giving all the trouble, so hopefully much can be salvaged, but not sure what he’s been saving on it.  For now, though, I’m without any of my favorite links.

I’m not an idiot.  Neither are my attorneys.  I can smell a marketing/solicitation phone call a mile away.  And it doesn’t help you any that we have caller ID on all of the phone lines.  So shut the hell up and quit wasting everyone’s time, I’m not going to put you through to him. 

Oh, and here’s a clue:  saying “No, no message or voicemail, I’ll just call him at another time” is a dead giveaway.

Graduation ceremony is tomorrow night!  I’m a bit more excited about it than I thought I’d be.  Although it was just a semester, I think I’ve worked pretty hard and definitely earned my certificate. At least I think I did. No call from the college telling me not to show up tomorrow night, so I think I’m safe.

I hurt my back yesterday.   I was carrying a stack of files to the other side of the building and I guess they were heavier than I thought.  My lower back isn’t in great shape as it is (degenerative disc disease, mild right now though, thankfully) and I strained it something fierce.  Didn’t feel anything at the time, but last night, it started hurting pretty bad.  Still not doing well with it.  I’m going to take some NSAIDs and pray that it gets better so I can attend graduation.  And I’m no longer going to carry files around.  I’ll either have someone do it for me or, most likely, will stick them on a wheeled chair and drag that around.  Hmmm… wonder if anyone would notice if I stole a shopping cart from a grocery store and brought it into work.

Why do we pay for drug coverage?  Seriously, what’s the point?  We pay for coverage through my husband’s job, and yet whenever I need to get medication vital for some of my health issues, they either won’t cover them, require preauthorization (and make it such a pain in the ass to do that the doctors won’t do preauths anymore), and will only cover limited amounts of the drugs they will help pay for regardless of how many your doctor prescribes.  I’d like to know who makes up these stupid, arbitrary decisions. I’m willing to bet good money that neither they nor anyone close to them has any long-term health issues that require treatment or these stupid rules would be lifted in a heartbeat!

And for the doctors, what’s the point of having ONE nurse in your very busy, specialized clinic that handles medication, and she works TWO days per week, FOUR hours each of those days??  What the hell!  And to top that off, she promises to call in refills and doesn’t, doesn’t return calls, etc.  The doctor herself is great but I wonder if she really knows what her staff is doing.  Somehow, I doubt it.  She knows all about pain and pain management, as she experiences some painful conditions herself, and she’s very big on not putting up with any pain.  How are we supposed to manage our conditions when her friggin’ medication nurse is never there??  ARGH!

Ok, now that I’ve had some time to breathe, I’ve started to read some of my backlogged books that I mentioned in a previous post.  I spent most of the day yesterday reading Deathly Hallows, and I have to say I was disappointed in it.  Some of the deaths made me cry, especially because they weren’t ones I had been expecting.  But, while I’m not going to mention any spoilers, I felt like there were hours and hours of foreplay, only to be confronted with a limp weiner.  And as far as the epilogue, WTF?   On the whole, the book was a good read, though.  I just felt like it was very anticlimactic after all these years.

Tonight, I started reading Saira Rao’s Chambermaid.  Or at least I tried. I really did try, too.  But after 5 pages, I found it to simply be unreadable.  A not-very-well-written, self-aggrandizing, pot of tripe stew.  In other words, it stinks.  There’s only been one other book I can remember that I couldn’t stomach reading more than a few pages, and that was Stephen King’s The Eyes Of The Dragon.  I love Stephen King’s suspense books, but he seriously needs to stay very far away from any further medieval-type fantasy books. UGH.  If it weren’t totally against my beliefs to destroy books, I’d keep both of them in the bathroom for times when no one has told me that we’ve run out of toilet paper until I’ve got my drawers around my ankles.

Well, its over.  Tonight was our last final.  I took the day off in order to study for it and I think it paid off.  Went to my new favorite haunt, Dunn Bros Coffee, and spent most of the afternoon drinking coffee and studying (I’m totally hooked on their dark chocolate lattes with whipped cream, they’re the best!).  I think I did a pretty decent job on the final and can’t imagine I got less than a C. So I shouldn’t be in any trouble of not passing evil instructor’s class, which means that I should be able to attend graduation next Thursday.    Its been a difficult road but I’m glad I did it and survived.  I’m going to celebrate by treating myself to another tattoo on September 1st. 

Now, can I just say… ENOUGH WITH THE RAIN ALREADY.  We get the point.